Bff versus bae: How to tell if your relationship is messing with your friendships
Canceling on your friends for a last-minute date is so last century. But even if you’d never do that, there is a chance your romantic relationship is interfering with your friendships. Maybe you just did some flaky things early on in the relationship, forgetting to call your bestie as often, for example. A couple of lapses at the beginning of your relationship might be understandable and even forgivable from your friend’s view, but you don’t want to continue on that way. Are you letting a relationship put you in danger of a friend breakup? Here are six signs you might be allowing your relationship to affect your friendships.
You’re So Focused On Your S.O. You Stop Active Listening
A core part of the best friendship is being there when your BFF’s upset, listening intently and making eye contact. Has your relationship got you so distracted you’re looking at texts while your friend tries to pour her heart out? Also, look for signs that you bide your time during conversations until you finally get the chance to share endless anecdotes about your love or your love life. That gets really old, really fast. Nip it in the bud.
You Don’t Make Your Share Of Plans Anymore
Yes, you’re head over heels in love and all that. But you still should watch for signs that you’ve grown so complacent that you no longer hold up your side of the unstated bargain between you and a close friend. That is, you’re both equally interested in making time to hang out and have new experiences. Sure, there’s always a little imbalance there, and maybe one of you has always’s done most of the activity planning. But if you’re the one constantly canceling or forgetting to reserve a table for your friend’s birthday, it’s time to get back on track.
You’re Only Getting Big News Secondhand
If you used to be the first to hear about that new job or awkward date and now you just see the evidence on Instagram, maybe you’ve let your relationship edge out your friendships.
You’re There With the Besties, But You Can’t Focus
Here’s a “be honest” question to ask yourself. Are you having a tough time just being there in the moment with your friends? Or are your thoughts about your relationship so all-consuming you’re just going through the motions at showers, happy hours, even morning walks and coffee breaks? New love is really sweet, but if you can’t focus on experiences and conversations that would usually pique your interest, you’re probably letting your S.O. mess up your friendships.
Your Friends Don’t Want To Hang Out With Both Of You
This could mean your friends don’t like your S.O. or don’t like you when both of you are around. And it’s a sign that not only is your relationship interfering with your friendships, it may end some or all of them. If you can’t see choosing your friends over this romance, this might be a good time to seek counseling to make sure you have your priorities in line. It’s super tough to replace the support, self-esteem boost and kindness your friends offer, and you have to question why your S.O. doesn’t seem to fit in with anyone.
Your Sweetie Doesn’t Want You To Spend Time With BFFs
An overly jealous partner isn’t passionate about you; he’s controlling, which can lead straight to an abusive relationship. Ditto if he guilts you about spending time with other people. (This is true of males and females, and regardless of whether you’re in a same-sex or heterosexual relationship.) This is one sign you simply cannot ignore. Reach out to one of your friends and let them know what’s going on. And if you think things have gone too far for that, there’s still help for dating abuse situations. In the U.S., call 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 for the National Dating Abuse Helpline.